Haaaaaayyyyyyyyuh

2006-10-02T15:46:00.000-07:00

Hmm!

This blog is dying and quickly, what to do?!

No one reads it anyways, hahaha. We'll fix it up one day. ... Ooooneee daaaaAaaay~

2006-09-06T19:16:00.000-07:00

Jaq hates it when there's no edity bar on her blog thing.

Going on to what this blog is actually supposed to be about.

The world is a bad place.

Steve Irwin died.

Some crazy football father tackled a kid.

[insert various middle eastern conflicts].

There're people who enjoy listening to Britney Spears.

However, so long as I've got my mini-wheats, I'm indifferent. Totally.

Well, aside from Steve Irwin. D: Stevey.

2006-08-24T17:23:00.001-07:00

PART TWO.
(Yiffing is grooosss.)
Jaq is better than your pancakes.

So, after wandering around pissing off stupid goth kids, we got- bored. We needed something new.
Well, coincidentally we ended up in the adult area.
Let me tell you, it was fucking packed. Not a good sign.

There was an odd area based around a college of some sort, where gender was a subject of question. We hung around in one room for a while. Amazingly enough, it was quite boring and everyone was socializing. Not the hell-hole mass orgy I always imagined, but still nothing I wanted to deal with on a daily basis.

[smellsacetone] smiles and cuddles him, "everyone's bored"
[eatscherrypies]: Yeah.
[isn'twhatsheclaimstobe] Stands up and does a back hand spring into a front handspring into a backtuck then lands on her feet brb GUYS! and Girls~!!
You say, "UWAHRHRHARED>"

I was done with these squares! So was my friend! Time to find adventure, right?!
What better than a co-ed bathroom? I was expecting some crazy fetishes here.

[furry]: yep
[gnat’spanties]: Get over it.
[Hailmywhore] oO
You say, "I haven't taken a shower in like a week."
[furry]: my last wife was Lilly Chambers, now known as Sway
You say, "Seriously, the grease was starting to bother me. Also all this dandruf."
You say, "Life is tough without running water."
[gnat’spanties]: [duckysquack], that's gross.
[furry] feels like he's been cursed with matelessness since

Cursed with matelessness...
I wonder why.
I think I have better chances as a water conservationalist.

But I realized I had stumbled across a herd of...

DRAMA LLAMAS!

[gnat’spanties]: Who cares, my problem is rl thank you.
[furry]: [try not having a g/f in over a year IRL]
[gnat’spanties]: Yeah, I haven't had a good boyfriend in so many year sI lost count. It's been use after use. Try that.
[gnat’spanties]: Hale, if I went up to this guy and told him everything, do you think He would find me crazy?
[platypusbear]: Know what's awkward? Sitting next to your girlfriend's mom in the abortion clinic.
[gnat’spanties]: Ouch, that sucks.
[Hailmywhore] shruggs "People arent that easy to judge on the fly nap" o.o
[furry]: [my RL last girlfriend was when I was working on Belle City Amusements and she left me for a ride jock (what we carneys call ride operators)]
[gnat’spanties]: I want to go to his house and just hug him. Is that too much to ask.
You say, "I see the problem here."
You say, "It boils down to a word."
You say, "That word is otter."
You say, "He is always amongst us."
[platypusbear]: They use tools to crack clams.
[platypusbear]: Learn from them.
[gnat’spanties]: Our moms have even told us, that when we look at each other we both look so empty, but we stare in each others eyes for hours.
You say, "For life has it's uncrackable clams, until we find that tool."
[Hailmywhore] smiles "Thats kinda sweet in a weird dark way"

Why thank you Hail, I like our natural philosophy as well.

[platypusbear]: And that tool is freedom. Freedom to love anyone that makes you happy.
[furry]: [and believe me, as a jointee (carney lingo for a game vendor) there is nothing worse then losing a girlfriend to a ride jock]
[gnat’spanties]: That's like a nerd losing a girlfriend to a football player. it happens.
[platypusbear]: Ride Jock's have all the luck.
You say, "I lost my boyfriend to a parapalegic."
[platypusbear]: Women, more money, free rides.
[platypusbear]: Hey [duckysquack]
[platypusbear]: Don't be hating
You say, "I hate your guts."
[platypusbear]: Just because they're handicaped doesn't mean they can't experience all of life's magic.
You say, "How could you leave me for a girl in a wheel chair?!"
[platypusbear]: But because they can't run a marathon, so fucking what?
You say, "ME?!"
[platypusbear]: My father was in a wheelchair.
You say, "I should've put YOU in a wheelchair."
[platypusbear]: I am in one already.
[Hailmywhore] pokes [gnat] "See told you we werent the only fucked up ones"
[gnat’spanties]: At least you guys were left, you dont have to live with guilt.
[platypusbear]: It's genetic.You say, "Bullshit, you just like the luxury of being pushed around."
You say, "You watch out, school tomorrow I'm pushing you RIGHT DOWN THAT HILL."
[Hailmywhore] OO
[Hailmywhore] snickers at this shit o.o

Think about that last line carefully.

Hey, ever read Edgar Allen Poe's a dream within a dream?

[gnat’spanties]: I cause my own problems.
[platypusbear]: So why do you guys come here?
[platypusbear]: I can't get a boner cause of being handicapped, so this is my only way to slake my lust.
[platypusbear]: What about you?
[gnat’spanties]: To hang out with friends, which Is why I dont know why Im here.
You say, "I'm telling you, he's not handicapped, he's lazy."
[Hailmywhore] snuggs [gnat] "Such a negative kitty" o.o
[gnat’spanties]: I guess so.
[gnat’spanties]: I'm a glass half empty kitty.
[platypusbear]: Kitty ::puurz:: ^^
[Hailmywhore] fills [gnat]'s glass :O
You say, "I'm a realist. There is no glass."
[platypusbear]: Yeah, okay Daria.
You say, "Shutup cripple boy."
[Hailmywhore] I'm a comic, make a fuckin joke about it heh
[Hailmywhore] pats [gnat] "BRB Chinese food is calling me"
[platypusbear]: I'm a handicapped. The glass is scotch and everclear.
[platypusbear]: And a virgin.
[platypusbear]: And 28.
You say, "The glass is the molotov cocktail I'm going to throw at you once I'm done watching you tumble helplessly down a steep hill."

That's where I'm concluding the adventure, because the rest was just stupid. :D

I would like to eat a subway sandwich.

2006-08-22T17:07:00.000-07:00

People being Funny

Lots of love from Oppolo

This acedmic year, I spent doing shop work- as a gap year to get some money before University. Well, not by choice, but that's a whole other story that I could bitch about for hours. AND MAY WELL DO! If I get really bored one night and someone's poking me to write a blog.

Anywho, today's subject is about funny people. I've come to learn that not many people are funny, in my time shop-attending. I'm not funny, except when I've got my GAME ON (Now is not one of those times), so it's a bit too much to expect other people to be that way. Yeah, blah blah blah, funny anecdote about the shop... hmm... here we go. There's this guy called Adam, with an identical twin who everyone calls Foster. And I say "Hello Adam!" and he goes, "I'm not Adam! THAT'S Adam!"... except.. he was Adam... because I can tell them apart now... and... why is that supposed to be funny? He gave up on the joke pretty soon afterwards. Oh, Adam, you kooky kid.

As you can see, the anecdote didn't go well. But I don't have to be funny, I have SCIENCE! So here I go; my 'are people funny' scientific test. Are they funny? AVERAGE people?

Oppolo says: Hey! Say something funny!
§ŦЄџЄ: Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? says: Er?
§ŦЄџЄ: Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? says: Did you know it's ilegal to have sexual relations with a porcupine?
Oppolo says: No I did not know that!

Hm... now this has layers of funny. One the one hand, it's a really crude joke about sex with animals, but then you realise that it's about porcupines- a guy talking about a sex with a porcupine. It is illegal, but that fact overshadows the fact it would be very stupid, which you then go on to realise later. Hilarity.
I give Steve 4/5 for something funny.

Oppolo says: Hey! Say something funny!
Beck says: I like to wear a tuna fish for a hat.
Oppolo says: Extraordinary!

This joke is a play on the random, absurdist. However, Beck has made a terrible mistake- 'tuna' and 'hat' are not naturally funny words (like, for example, 'elephant' or 'potato'). They have no rhythm. I do not believe he has the pinasche to carry off an ironic absurdist joke, where the absurdity is a lack of absurdity. That would be stupid anyway.
I give Beck 1.5/5 for something funny.

Oppolo says: Hey! Say something funny!
Oppolo says: : (
Oppolo says: Are you ignoring me?

Brack seemed to have the right idea. Bastard.

Oppolo says: Say something funny!
Corilithon says: Why?
Corilithon says: Well, I AM going to put something on the Favorite Video thread.
Corilithon says: I think zaboo mightl ike it, it's about My Little Pony. Er, sorta.
Oppolo says: That is so funny!

Corilithon failed to understand the experiment! He is an awful test subject, and went onto a strange slant. I tried to recover the situation but failed. He can take refuge in the fact that he's the only one who took it as a trigger to start a conversation, clearly he is very social.
I give Corilithon 4/5 for being a cool guy. He dropped a point for typoes.

Oppolo says: Hey! Say something funny!
Damien says: Ocean liners full of jesus monkies
Oppolo says: That's acceptable!
Oppolo says: BARELY

Damien attempted the same strategy as Beck, with substantially more success. 'Monkies' is both funny and rhythmic. However, the biblical reference was a bit far. What the hell is a 'Jesus Monkey' meant to be? Unless... it's some kind of innuendo... in which case.... MIND BLOWN.

Oppolo says: Hey! Say something funny!
Volaire says: Something funny.

Oh, you bloody bloody obvious bloodmonger.
0/5

But wait!

I was meant to be taking a varied sample! All the people I've done so far are a very similar type of person- online roleplayer, suspect closet furre... but no matter! I have a good selection to chose from on my contact list to get a varied sample!
A perfect choice-- MINDEZ! The slick-haired Dr. Who fan. I don't talk to him often, but he's always keen to reply! Let's try it out, are Dr. Who fans more funny than roleplayers?

Oppolo says: Mindear! Say something funny!
(MINDEZ)- Won't be back at Turton next year =( says: The internets is a series of tubes.
(MINDEZ)- Won't be back at Turton next year =( says: And if you don't understand that those tubes can be filled, and if they're filled when you put your message in it, it gets in line, it's gonna be delayed by anyone who puts into that tube enormous amounts of material, enormous amounts of material.
(MINDEZ)- Won't be back at Turton next year =( says: Then movies streaming across that, that, internet, and what happens to your own personal internet? I... Just the other day, got an internet was sent by my staff at 10 o'clock in the morning on Friday, I got it yesterday.
Oppolo says: .......................RIGHT

Wh.....
........................RIGHT I completely understand that and I also did Alesia look here

Oppolo says: Say something funny!
Alesia says: ......
Alesia says: So, these two guys walk into a bar.
Alesia says: The third one ducks.

Well damn. Is there a way to give minus scores?
OF COURSE THERE IS! I invented the system! Muaha!
-1/5

In conclusion:
People are funnier than I thought, certainly funnier than Adam the identical twin.

Further conclusion:
Adam the identical twin is an obsessive Dr. Who fan.

2006-08-21T21:08:00.000-07:00

So. Me (Jaq) and a friend were running around making fun of two particular groups:

Goth kids, and people who're into furry porn.
I figured I'd put up the highlights.

First, we decided to head to some vampires. Y'know...
Easy prey... OUWAHHWHWHAHAHAHA, THE NUMBER OF THE DAY IS EIGHT!

We had established that Goth1 was obviously the dominant female. Prrowl!

You say, "Hard like the ice cold heart of ... . . . beowulf."
[platypusbear] looks to goth1," You seem intrigued and desperate, wanna go makeout?"
[g2]: ..................
[g2]: xD
[Goth1] glares even more, emiting a low growl '.......'
[duckysquack] emits primal noises of prime ape orgies.
[platypusbear]: Sexy growl. Do it again.
[Goth1] rolls her eye's sticking ehr tounge out "..if you wish to keep living dont speak to me like that"
[g2]: XD
You say, "Oh baby but please don't stop talking like that. *purrs* ^_^"
[g2]: ...............
[Goth1] sighs as she growls lowly once agian '.....stupid no go pig's....."
[platypusbear]: I need a strong women like you to break my wild horse nature, babe.
[platypusbear]: I stompt my feet to alarm you are in my breeding ground.
[Goth1] stands as she glares at them "...i am going else where..." she said growling more
You say, "She's my one true love."

She wasn't woman enough for us though.

So after our hot date we got kicked out and wandered about some more.
And there it was. Perfect.

Star Wars. How could we say no?

[#] The Sith Android quickly steps into the entrance of the Temple, lightsaber ignited and held defensively: "Identify yourself for Vocal Recognition."
[platypusbear]: Roag!
(You see [platypusbear].)
> I fled into the darkness, and I was afraid. Also alone.
[platypusbear]: KAH PLAH
[platypusbear]: I am zerg?
[platypusbear]: For the emperor!
You say, "Macarena!"
You say, "Kodaaachrroooommmee."
[platypusbear]: Jazzersize
[platypusbear]: The first rule of fight club is..
You say, "You do not talk about fight club!"
[platypusbear]: CORRECT!
[platypusbear]: Pleeeease enter.
[#] Upon observing the lightsaber-wielding Sith Androids, those with knowledge of such things would notice their armor to be of Cortosis Weave, making lightsabers virtually useless against them.
[platypusbear]: Darth Vader.
[platypusbear]: I demand you let me in.
[platypusbear]: Helloooo?
You say, "Your mother."
You say, "I WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS TREATMENT, WILLIAM."
[platypusbear]: *choo ::puuur:: *
You say, "I WENT THROUGH 16 HOURS OF LABOR TO GIVE BIRTH TO YOUR ARMORED SYNTHETIC LITTLE BODY."
[platypusbear]: SHE CAN UNMAKE YOU.
You say, "DAMNRIGHT, I BROUGHT YOU INTO THE WORLD I SURE AS HELL CAN TAKE YOU OUT!"
[#] The Sith Android quickly steps into the entrance of the Temple, lightsaber ignited and held defensively: "Identify yourself for Vocal Recognition."
[#] The Sith Android quickly steps into the entrance of the Temple, lightsaber ignited and held defensively: "Identify yourself for Vocal Recognition."
[#] The Sith Android quickly steps into the entrance of the Temple, lightsaber ignited and held defensively: "Identify yourself for Vocal Recognition."
[platypusbear]: Juuron.
[platypusbear]: Essence Faleur.
You say, "Tattooine."
[platypusbear]: Temple of the Sith.
[platypusbear]: Germie.
You say, "SssSsssith."
You say, "Anakin"
[platypusbear]: Snakes on a plane!
You say, "George Lucas"

So, despite guilt trips, foreign languages, much geek talks, and negotiations involving porn, I found no luck. My partner managed to sneak in, however. We won't go into that.

TO BE CONTINUED...

2006-08-20T21:26:00.000-07:00

I am the swan that swims in your dreams,
I am the turtle that flogs you for sex,
I am the dove that pecks out your eyes,
I am the line which doesn't fit the rhythmn of the poem to this point or rhyme.

Totally not posted by Eiphel, honest.

2006-08-19T00:45:00.000-07:00

Poems by Jaq

---
Tears of rotten streams of
hateful loving mold
mold my orange
into orange pudding
because I hate you.
And I love your
cooking.

---

My tearful agony spelled out in an adress
I speak but I digress
You are the tragedy that is us
Roses wither and die
And you pass me on by.

---

As the blood red envy runs down my
emotional wall
I cry out in agony and pain
Deception you gave to me
A bullet for the sake of mankind.

Thenku, thenku verreh mach.
More emo poetry never
Toodaloo~ >

2006-08-14T22:21:00.000-07:00

hay mister butcher man?
i was hoping to get some of your.... finest cuts. Nudge nudge.

Jaq: And me and Yeojin fed some wild animals..

Jaq: And ate at a buffet. >_<

Jaq: While we were dieting.

Jaq: Smart, I know, we're geniuses.

Stew: :D

Stew: Don't worry, I'm a sausage with legs

Jaq: Oh.. So like..

Jaq: If I uh- 'accidentally' push you over into a frying pan- no hard feelings, right?

Stew: Umm...okay?

Jaq: Okay.

Jaq: It's alright, I don't like sausage. D:

Stew: That's not what you said last night.. . .

Jaq: *porno music starts*

Stew: " I think I want a long, hard stick of your juiciest pepperoni, Mr. Butcher. . . "

Jaq: "Would you like that raw or extra plump?"

Stew: *breast accidentally slips out of the turtleneck*

Jaq: "My, in all my work as a butcher I've never seen such a perfect breast. Not even on imported turkeys."

Stew: "Oops! I love solid turkey legs. . .wrapped around my vuluptuous body."

Jaq: "Baby, can I interest you in some... bacon?"

Stew: "Oooh, I love bacon. It feels so good between my lips. . . gently darting in and ou-- JACKIE! This is weird. We're engaging in internet foreplay!

Jaq: Woah, woah.

Jaq: No!!

Jaq: NOOOO!

2006-08-13T19:55:00.000-07:00

YOUR FIRST CAT™ - Luv Oppolo

So, little Elizabeth, it's your forth birthday? What wonderful gifts have been bestowed upon you?

Gosh, a genuine CAT™!? You lucky little whore! Why, a whole world of opportunity is open to you now! Just consult our handy leaflet!

Unpacking your CAT™

Release the seal, pull back the plastic and ensure your CAT™ is in working condition. In the case of missing limbs or organs, please contact the CAT™ helpline for a replacement package. Perform artificial respiration on your CAT™ and watch the magic as your new Feline Friend jumps to life! Warrenty does not cover collapsing ribcage during respiration.

Your first CAT™ moments

In the early stages, your CAT™ may attempt to escape under beds or kitchen units. Lure it out with heavily spiced food, or merely coo it out with promises of treasure. If your CAT™ hides until it starves to death, replacements are available, be sure to clean out CAT™ corpses before introducing new CAT™ models into your household! Feeding is important, and clean lemonade must always be available, please ensure you feed your CAT™ once every five seconds during the first day. If your CAT™ resists, there are many alternative entrances through which to feed your Feline Friend. Please consult the biology funfactsheet.

Vaccinations for your CAT™

Your CAT™ will need regular vacations, the beach is particularly good for them. Vacations should be administered when they are nine to 12 weeks old, in consultation with your vet. This will allow your CAT™ to settle into your home before you rip them away and strand them in a hostile paradise. Don't forget the bucket and spade.

The Great Outdoors and your CAT™

Keep your CAT™ inside for at least three weeks before booting your CAT™ out on a night to silence the sound of its insessant whining. If for some reason you lose your CAT™, please ensure you check under your tires and beneath quizzically placed plant pots before contacting the replacement hotline. Remember, there are many CAT™ophiles ("homosexuals") who may steal your CAT™ if you let it out during the day. CAT™ muzzles are available to silence the bastard during the day, or a piece of stickyback plastic can provide temporary relief.

Introducing a second CAT™

A second CAT™ can entertain both you, your family and your CAT™. Duels to the death are advised and several weapons are available from our online store, but there are many other games to play. Hide and seek, force them to have sex, dress them up in stupid costumes, Battle Royale and 'Set CAT™ alight while CAT™ watches" are just some suggestions-- why not make up your own!

Sacrificing your CAT™ to the great Bird god.

Eventually all CAT™ models lose their Kitten and become marginally less cute, it is their time to die. If you have followed our advice, your CAT™ is a virgin and can be sacrificed as such, making perfect for wedding and funerals. Shattering your CAT™ against the side of a ship is also growing in popularity as a way of Christening. Remember, all form of sacrifice is sacred in the eyes of Birdtron destroyer of universes. Birdtron stride with you.

My my, why are you crying, Little Elizabeth? Don't make me take my belt off.